Hi friends, it’s Rieko.
I just thought I’d record this because I just got off a counseling session with a beautiful client, and something that came up felt really important to speak to right now.
If you’ve been wrestling with the darkest, densest thoughts and feelings in the past week, you are not alone.
You are not alone.
I’ve said many times that things are really intense right now, but this past month, this past week especially, around the Lionsgate portal perhaps, has been extra, extra intense.
And I myself have been feeling it so strongly.
I’ve been crying rivers of tears every day, and the thoughts that’s been coming up, that’s been so loud, have been the most destructive, darkest, densest thoughts about life and death. “What’s the point of any of this?” The thoughts about the fear of sickness and aging and dying, the thoughts of lack and limitation, “I’m never going to make it, I’m never going to be enough.”
I’ve been battling with it so much in the past week.
And if you’ve noticed, if you’re a paid subscriber, I just hit the pause button on paid subscription because I’ve been processing so much of this density that I honestly don’t know if or when I will be recording another podcast episode. I’ll keep you posted.
Anyway, I’m recording this after pausing it because I wanted to speak to my subscribers, my dear supporters, because the intensity of these thoughts and feelings of the past week for me and my client both, and actually I’ve been talking to a couple of other people who’ve been reflecting the same thing back to me, is at a level that feels really, really, really challenging.
And the way the spiritual ego likes to compound that suffering is by saying, After all the work I’ve done, after everything I’ve tried, after all the healing and miracles I thought I experienced, why the fuck is this still here?
Why am I still struggling?
Why am I feeling depressed like I never had before since my first dark night of the soul 20 years ago?
What have I done wrong?
Something must be wrong with me.
You know what I think this is? It’s the big purge before the something totally new comes in.
For now, I am giving myself as much space as I can, wrapping myself in as much self-compassion as I can, giving myself lots and lots of space, if I can help it, to breathe into it, to feel it in my body.
Because the mind will try to keep figuring it out.
Why is this here?
How can I get rid of this?
What’s the point of any of this?
And the mind just can’t figure it out.
So I go into the body, I turn on music, I dance, I scream, I yell, I vocalize, I let out groans and sighs.
But mostly I just wanted to let you know, if you’ve been feeling this kind of density, if you’ve been wondering if you’ve backslid or if something actually is wrong with you, take three deep breaths with me.
What if these are not even our own thoughts or feelings?
What if this is just energy moving through the entire collective and you and I feel it more strongly than others?
What if it’s actually because of all the work we’ve done, because of our big willingness and open heart, that now there’s space for all this to come up?
Because it has to come up and out.
Better out than in.
But first we have to feel it.
So in this moment, I have no idea what’s going to happen in the next week or next month or the rest of the year or the next year.
I actually don’t know yet if this podcast will continue.
But I’m sending you lots of love and reminding you and I that we’re not alone.
And what if we could even soften 2%?
Like my teacher Dr. Kim D’Eramo says, even just 2% soften, open to something higher, to lean into the little ember in our heart, little spark in us, the part of us that hasn’t given up, the part of us that still can feel the unbelievable beauty and miracle of this life.
The part of us that can still feel the warmth of the sunshine on our face, the cool breeze on our faces, the smell of the roses or the grass after the fresh rain.
What if we could lean into that right now and double down on self-love and self-care and be as gentle as we possibly can with ourselves and others.
We’re moving through some dark shit right now.
But we’re doing this together.
Sending you so much love.
